Man oh man, did I used to be fat. I’m talking 270 pounds at only 5’3. But most of you already know this. Most of you have read my endless posts about getting fit, losing weight, becoming a runner… but you might not know how I got to the point that I needed to make a change. You know all about my weight loss story, so here’s my fat story!
I was always on the chunky side growing up, and ridiculously ashamed of my body. I tried to get a doctor’s note so I could skip out of swimming in high school gym class like most of the other fat girls did, but my doctor refused. I ended up skipping all but one of those classes and getting an “F.” Even though it was a smear on my mostly perfect straight-A’s, I didn’t even care. I was so ashamed of my body that I was willing to ruin my nearly perfect GPA. Looking back now, I wasn’t all that huge in middle and high school. Sure, I was overweight and the most unathletic person known to man, but I was merely a bit chubby. At least I think so now, anyway. It’s hard for me to look back at my former self and remember clearly all the time because I feel so far removed now from the person I used to be. At any rate, in high school, being merely “overweight” can still be the kiss of death. It can mean most boys won’t give you a second glance, and you will always be picked last in gym class. I might as well have been the obese girl I morphed into after high school from the way many people (namely boys) treated me and the way I felt. I thought I was HUGE back in those days. Add the glasses, the shy demeanor, the smarts and you can bet I was pretty self-conscious.
After high school, I went away for college (read: one hour away). I hated it so much and my lifelong anxiety expanded by about a million. I ended up moving back home after just one semester, but not before I went to the doctor and was prescribed generic Prozac. The only thing that medication ever did for me in the five years that I took it was turn me into a zombie and blow me up like a balloon. In the five years I was on it, I gained approximately 100 pounds.
Now, it doesn’t help that I was incredibly lazy, unathletic, and a huge fan of food. However, I had always been like that and it had led me to being overweight but not obese. The obesity came as a side effect of the medication and a terrible, miserable relationship right before meeting Jerry.
Anyway, so I remember crying in January 2012 because I positively could not STAND how I looked. It was then that I stopped the medication cold turkey and began my weight loss regimen. No, I do not entirely blame the medication nor am I resentful, really. Many people take it with success and bravo to them. I also blame myself. Jerry and I have often said we are food addicts, and honestly, it’s gotten even harder since we’ve lost the weight. Now that we can’t gorge on our favorite junk foods like we used to on a daily basis back in our “fat days,” we crave them even more. We think about food, talk about food, and dream about food. We have a cheat day once a week, and we start planning on what we’ll be eating days in advance. Honestly, I don’t think our food love will ever go away but at least now we know how to control ourselves, for the most part.
Yes, Jerry and I often talk about our “fat days,” the days when we used eat to whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, and however much we wanted. We’ll often say, “gee, back in my fat days, I would have eaten that whole bag of chips,” or we’ll laugh when I say, “OMG, back in the fat days, I would have had that cookie cake for BREAKFAST! Man, I miss that!” And yeah, sometimes we do miss eating all that crap whenever we wanted, but ultimately, it wasn’t worth it. I’ll refrain from those few moments of tasty pleasure if it means I am happy within myself. And you know what? I kind of am.