Within the first hour of Caleb’s birth, I told Jerry that Caleb would be an only child and that I would NOT be doing that again.
Even though we have always planned on having two children, and even though everyone told me that I’d eventually forget the pain, in that moment I was positive I could not go through what I had just been through for a second time.
For the first eight days of Caleb’s life, I still felt pretty much the same. Towards the end of the first week though, you could finally catch me saying, “IF we have another one;” prior to his birth, it was never an “if” but always a “when.” Early this morning though, during a 5AM feeding, on Caleb’s ninth day, I was looking at his sweet funny face and I turned to Jerry and said, “I’d do it all over again. I’d do it again for him. He’s worth it. He’s so perfect.”
The pain and exhaustion of labor and delivery was pretty indescribable for me. Even though the nurses and doctors said I had a great first delivery, and even though the nurse said I was her best and easiest patient in 17 years, it all felt so traumatic at the time. Add that into raging hormones, baby blues, incredible stress and overwhelming feelings, weight gain, and complete exhaustion, and you could probably understand why I was pretty determined we would not be doing that again. We had started to come to terms with not having a second child… that’s how serious I was when I kept saying it.
But now that things are settling down and my mind and body are starting to heal, I feel differently. I haven’t forgotten the pain. I feel like all I do all day is feed my child. My body feels like it isn’t my own and I am completely and utterly exhausted… but I’d do it all over again. My heart has never been more full. When I see my son, and I see my husband being his daddy, I feel like I could burst. This beautiful child is worth every single bad thing I went through to have him. He will always be worth it… and maybe someday he WILL have a sibling now. I could do it again. I feel like I could do anything when I see his face.