We’ve been keeping a little secret. If you haven’t heard by now, via Facebook or Instagram, then allow Caleb…
It’s been a bit of a longer, more challenging, more frustrating road to baby #2 than I’d ever have imagined it would be. In December 2016, we finally made up our minds that we wanted to grow our family. We assumed it’d be easy, like it was with Caleb, and we’d be pregnant within a month, like we were with Caleb.
Well, that part kind of happened, but it didn’t end well. As many of you know, in February 2017, we discovered I was both pregnant AND that something was wrong on the very same day. Though we got pregnant very quickly, it ended in an ectopic pregnancy. It was heartbreaking and scary. I remember Jerry even saying at one point that he didn’t know if we should try anymore because he didn’t want to deal with that sort of heartbreak again. However, we made our peace with it eventually, and knew that we still wanted to make Caleb a brother someday soon.
Commence trying for nearly a year. A YEAR! I know to some people, that isn’t long at all. But for us, who conceived within the first month on both of our previous tries, it was disheartening and discouraging. At the end of December, I found myself back at my doctor’s office. I had seen him several times since the ectopic, but this was a “hey, why isn’t my body working like it should anymore?” kinda thing. He ordered some testing for us, and I was on my way. I felt good that we would finally get some answers, and hopeful for the first time in months.
Cue just a few days later — January 4th — and I had Jerry bring home a couple of pregnancy tests. I peed on the first one that evening and walked away. After being accustomed to seeing negative after negative for the last year, I wasn’t too hopeful and I went and did something else. Jerry reminded me a few minutes later to check, and lo and behold, a faint positive line. “Jerry!” I shouted from the bathoom. “I think it’s positive!” I ran to show him and he was doubtful, though I knew that even the faintest of lines constituted a positive. I told him I’d take the digital one in the morning, and that was that.
At 3 am, I woke up to go to the bathroom and I couldn’t wait any longer. I pulled out the digital test and took it. Within a minute, “Pregnant” appeared on the screen. I started shaking and I remember letting out a little laugh. I ran into our bedroom, shook Jerry awake, and shoved the test under his nose. I illuminated it with my cell phone and demanded he look. I was so ecstatic, I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night. The next morning, Caleb ran around with the test (didn’t know what it was, but it was something shiny and new!) until we took it away from him because… urine.
I saw my doctor the following Monday and he started me on blood work that same day to check my HCG levels and ensure we weren’t dealing with another ectopic. With an ectopic, your levels typically rise very slowly, but with a normal pregnancy, they double every day or two. I had blood draws Monday, Wednesday, and Friday that week. Each time, they had doubled! My doctor called me on Saturday with the Friday results to tell me “congratulations,” and ensure me he believed this pregnancy to be progressing normally. He ordered an ultrasound for two weeks out when he felt the baby would be large enough to be visible. On Caleb’s 3rd birthday, January 22, we saw the baby bright and early at an 8:30 ultrasound appointment. The baby was in the right spot this time (YAY!), and we even saw the heart flickering with a heart rate of 119. It finally felt real! Caleb trotted around the waiting room with the ultrasound print outs, and it was pretty damn adorable (he had no idea what they were). After that ultrasound, my pregnancy converted to a normal one, and the extra monitoring could stop. I go for my first “regular” appointment on Wednesday!
And that’s our story of baby number two. There were countless negative tests, innumerable tears, questions, and frustrations along the way. At times, I started to feel hopeless. I wondered if maybe we were just meant to be a one child family. It seemed like my body was failing me and not doing what I felt it was meant to be doing. And then… just like that, it happened.
Lots of questions too, I’m sure, and I have lots of answers!
When are we due? September 16th, and I am PUMPED for a fall baby.
Will we find out what we’re having? Yes! I am dying to know, and yes, we will share that info!
What do you think you’re having? I have no idea! Caleb is one of FOUR grandSONS, so odds seem likely that we will have another boy. Lack of intense morning sickness points to boy. Ramzi test (I submitted to the Gender Experts for fun) says girl. Break outs on my face points to girl. I honestly don’t know. With Caleb, I knew with a gut instinct at 5 weeks that I was having a boy. This time, I don’t have that gut feeling either way. Time will tell!
Do we have names? Yes, though nothing set in stone. We aren’t going to reveal the name until birth.
How do I feel? Exhausted beyond belief. More so than I was with Caleb, but I have a toddler now AND I work full time, whereas I worked part time with Caleb. I have some nausea here and there, and I was in agonizing pain over a migraine a few weeks ago and couldn’t take my meds, but otherwise alright. I will say that there have been SEVERAL nights where I put Caleb to bed at 7:30, then I immediately follow. Gotta do what ya gotta do, right?
Is Caleb excited? Caleb has no idea what’s going on. We have asked him hundreds of times if he wants a brother or a sister, or if it’s a boy or girl, and his answer EVERY SINGLE TIME is “Mimi,” which is his grandma. Caleb will be 3 years and 8 months when he finally becomes a brother. It’s a larger gap than we intended, but I think it will work out well. Instead of having two babies in the house, we will have a baby and a tiny man. He starts preschool the same month the baby is due, and I think that will help him with the transition.
Will I go back to work? Yes, I will take 10-12 weeks of maternity leave then back I go.
Though I know my story is not NEARLY as devastating and hard as many other women’s, there were plenty of moments I felt like our dream of expanding our family simply wasn’t going to come true. I felt many gut punches any time a new pregnancy announcement crossed my screen, and bitter jealousy. It’s hard to admit and it makes me feel guilty… that whole “happy for you, sad for me” thing. To the women who have struggled or are still struggling, I want you to know I see you. I see you, I acknowledge you, and I am sorry for your hurt. I know it feels like your body is failing you. I know those hundreds of thrown away negative tests really eats away at you. I know what it’s like to toss one out, then try to cover it up with tissues because you just don’t want to look at it anymore, or you don’t want your husband to know you’ve taken yet ANOTHER one and the results aren’t good… again. I know you sit with anticipation as you watch for a line that never appears. I know you might dig it back out of the trash, and squint your eyes at it a few more times, hoping maybe you missed something. I know, I know, I know. I know there aren’t many dreams as big as motherhood, and I hope more than anything that your dream will become true. I would feel remiss if I didn’t acknowledge these ladies in this post, because I’ve felt that sadness at other people’s announcements so many times myself. <3
And at that… I want to say thank you all for the well wishes. It means a lot. So many of you were here for me when we struggled with our loss and I’m happy that we can finally share some good news. If you’re wondering where I’ve been and why I haven’t been reading and commenting on blogs as much as usual… it’s because I’m half asleep somewhere. Things will hopefully resume to normal once the exhaustion sees itself out!
YAY! We’re HAVING A BABY!!!