I find it quite difficult to live in the “now.”
I spend most of my life living in the future, constantly thinking about what-ifs, could-bes, and worst case scenarios. I imagine all of the things that could go wrong, all the ways my life could unravel, things that may or may not ever come to fruition.
As someone who has always been anxious, I find it hard to enjoy the moment, to live for right now, to just… be. Fear often consumes joy, stealing away the present moment for things that may never happen.
This is what anxiety feels like, to me:
It feels like not being able to sleep because your head is too full and your brain is too busy.
It makes my happiness feel happier, my sadness feel sadder, and my anger feel angrier.
It blows up my emotions and stresses tenfold, good or bad.
It feels like worrying about things (EVERYthing) that are out of my control, namely, the future.
It feels like never slowing down, my mind always on the go, never enjoying the here and now, always scared for what the future may hold.
It feels like riding on a roller coaster ALL of the time, always tense, always in a slight state of panic over nothing and everything all at once.
It feels like my mind never shutting off, never allowing for peace, always thinking about the next thing that needs to be done, and then the thing after that.
It feels like my brain is convinced I could lose everything, that I can’t just enjoy what I have because someday I may not have it (one of my biggest fears is somehow losing our house).
It feels like irrational thoughts for NO reason whatsoever.
It feels scary, it feels lonely, it feels isolating… even though I’m not alone.
I am so grateful for my life, the people I love, this life I have built with my family.
It’s time to enjoy those things and those people. It’s time to live for right now. It’s time to laugh with my son, like we did last Saturday night while I sang to the baby and Jerry made him dance because he was in a mood. It’s time to have these moments all of the time. It’s time to just be… for myself, but also for my son.
I don’t really know how to just be, but I know I’m going to try.